Blindsided

When I was pregnant with Ellie I read a ton on childbirth.  I read the good and the bad.  I educated myself on the myriad of things that can go wrong when carrying and delivering a baby.  Most would say this isn't a healthy practice.  For me though, I have this weird thing in my head that says if I know of everything that can go wrong, then it won't.  I know it's somewhat irrational, but I do it anyway.

I follow this ritual a lot in life. If I fear something or am worried about something, I learn about it. Believing that the knowledge is the shield. In many cases it can be, but not always.

Well as luck would have it, one thing I hadn't read about in childbirth is what happened.  I had never heard of babies inhaling meconium and it being really dangerous.  I was truly blindsided by the situation.

As hard as I try, I just can't think of everything.  I cant' protect myself from all possible hurt.

Recently I have had another blindsiding moment.  It came out of no where and has knocked me so flat on my face that I am still trying to pick up the pieces.  When things like this in life happen I search for the loop hole - the reasoning - the warning signs.  Did I miss something?  Should I or could I have done something differently?  Much like a driver who is in a car accident, I relive the event and try to see what could have been done differently.  My mind reels when there is no rational reasoning, no warning signs, no loop holes.

It has caused for much reflecting.  Mainly reflection of self.  A continual lesson I think everyone learns in life is that you truly only have control over yourself.  I often find myself as something very hard to control.  More often than not I find myself trying to save me from me more than from anyone else.

I had a lengthy conversation with a friend this week.  She has suffered great loss in her life.  Many who know of her situation would be far from judgemental if she decided to curl up in a ball and disappear for awhile.  Courageously she has done just the opposite.  She has reached out and extended herself.  She is a great example to me of facing adversity and pushing forward.  I know there are still moments and times of sadness for her.  I know there will be more in the future, but I know she will soldier on.

Soldiering on.  I really think that's all that the Savior asks of us in moments of trial.  For the first time in a situation like this I have realized that as I have tried to do what the Savior has wanted me too - even as that "something" goes against everything my mind is telling me, that is when I find the real peace, the protection, the love.  I am not perfect at it, but I am trying.

In a way my mind cannot fully understand right now, I am grateful for this trial.  It has helped me see gaping imperfections and areas that need much pruning in my own life.  My hedge trimmers are a bit rusty and unsharpened which isn't making it easy, but I know that with His help they can be sharpened and that if I am willing to get a bit dirty - something beautiful will emerge.  That is the greatest blessing.  I am guaranteed to not fail if I turn to Him.  And as we all know, little in life is a sure guarantee.