The Spiral

There are times where I truly feel like I'm going out of my mind - I probably am but just don't know it.  Today was one of those days.

Ellie is on Spring Break for two weeks so I have been making lists with her of things we could do and places we could go.  Unfortunately her brother Christian decided to get sick.  It caused for a long night and late start to our day.

I don't know why, but for some reason I always feel like I'm in a rush.  When I stop and really think about it, I don't know what I'm rushing to half the time.  The slow pace of children often drives me to my insanity.  I should probably take a lesson from their lack of urgency on most things.  Why should it matter that it takes us 5 minutes longer to get out the door?  I don't know, but it does.  It matters BIG to me.  This conflict of interest lends to me being grumpy most days.  I really truly am starting to believe my children will remember me as a total screaming grump when they look back on their childhood.

I'm starting to realize that things start to spiral downward when I slow down.  If I can keep them moving, things generally go better.  The minute I take a "rest" chaos ensues and the end results in trying to reestablish order aren't pretty.  Someone always ends up crying.

I have been thinking a lot about weaknesses lately.  My list is long.  But I do have hope that if I turn my weaknesses over to God He can make them strengths.  So this is my question, "Do you really think I can become more organized and have a place for everything to fall in my life and house?  Do you think I can learn to slowdown and enjoy my children in the stages they are right now - in all their slowness?  And do you think I can change the course of their memories to be ones of a happy and patient mother?"

One things for sure, it will take work and it will take humility, but I do believe the real key is to keep moving.  Because, the alternative is not a future I hope for.