This coming August I will have been home from my mission for 12 years. 12 YEARS!!!!!! Really, I can't believe it. It seems just like yesterday in so many ways.
Recenlty I have been feeling this need to really know and try to find out the purpose of my mission. If you've ever talked to me about it you know it was hard. I don't know too many returned missionaries that wouldn't say that about their missions. I have never cried so much in my life. In fact, when I got back I don't think I cried in church or about anything for at least 6 months to a year. It had me worried for awhile, but the emotion has come back - which I'm grateful for.
I have been thinking and reflecting on a lot of things lately. Some things that really get to me I know bother me only because of fatigue and hormones. Others are part of life and the injustices and misunderstandings that just happen no matter what. And yet others are hard to take because they are directed specifically at you and have to do with your personality and way of thinking.
When I was in college if I went out with a guy and didn't like him it was over - no second chances. I had a pretty sure sense of self to know very fast if something had potential to go anywhere. I soon came to realize that is why I probably didn't date as much as some of my roommates. I knew what I wanted and I could tell you within hours, even seconds of a date (or even meeting a guy) if it was going to end in a second one. I specifically remember one of my roommates getting off a date and saying good night at the door all sweet and cute and the minute she closed the door and he was gone saying that she couldn't stand him. Really? Cause I never would have known from the way she was treating him 30 seconds earlier. That never would have happened with me. Call me cold, cut throat, what ever want, but I guarantee I saved a many a guy much grief in the long run.
So what does this have to do with my mission? When I was early in my mission and with my second Korean companion I remember really struggling with a relationship. I was frustrated, hurt, and felt misunderstood. It was a hot humid night in Seoul and we were waiting to catch a bus. I coudn't take it anymore and just started spilling my feelings to this poor girl who hardly spoke any English. What she said to me has always stuck with me. It's helped me in situations that have arisen since and to this day I know is one reason I served my mission where I did. She said, "You are real". What she was basically saying is, "What you see is what you get." It was the first time in my life I actually saw the raw truthfulness of my emotions on an experience or in a relationship as a plus.
While age and some changes in perspective and importance of certain things have softened the sometimes too pointed "real" me. I can still say for the most part, "What you see is what you get." I could easily be your worst enemy or your most fierce ally.
If you must know, I ally myself with few. Here's why. It takes a lot of energy. I say this with not an ounce of sarcasm or untruth, if I am your ally there is no where on this planet earth I would not go to help you or aid you in anyway.
I wish I knew what creates this bond with some but not with others. I honestly don't know. Maybe it's the ability for both myself and the other to show weakness, vulnerability, need for the other. I don't know.
There are many good people in my life. People who teach me great things by their examples, who have talents and attributes I admire and hope to someday develop myself, but there are very few I call true friends. Friends who when I think of them cause a certain feeling in my soul like none other. Friends who through passages of great time and distance still remain imprinted on my heart.
I am me.
I am real.
4 comments:
well said. :) and you wouldn't be megan if you weren't "the real deal."
And I like "the real deal." You tell it like it is, and that's how I like to hear it.
Some people have a hard time with people who are "real" - who say what they think and stand by it. I think it is awesome.
I can't say that about myself - that what you see is what you get - I hold back way too much even if what I have to say or give would help me or someone else - it just doesn't want to come out. There are layers and layers to me that I don't share.
I guess I wonder too - what is or has been my purpose in the life I have been through. It has to be more than just a string of consequences from a series of bad choices, right?
Regardless, it does take a lot of energy and we're already spread thin.
We talked once about image - I think you have a strong sense of who you are.
Your thoughts make me think.
You remind me of my husband. :) Which is a good thing, because I love both of you.
Looks like you just got back from a run in that picture? Your watch is on the counter. No sooner do you get home from running, than you're moving on to kitchen tasks, right?
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