In this season of Thanksgiving, I felt it was finally time to
share the story of my greatest blessing this year. I have thought long and hard about whether or
not I should share this story with the masses, but for some reason, fairly
early on in my pregnancy, I felt strongly it needed to be shared. This is a very tender and personal story and
I hope you as the reader will treat it as such and that perhaps it is just what
one of you may need to hear. This is a
story of miracles and a story of God’s awareness of each of us. It’s a story of
the power He and His Son have to heal and make right the things that seem to go
wrong in this journey we call mortality in ways we can't explain. It is proof that God still talks to men and
women today and that He is in the smallest of details and loves us more than we
can imagine. It’s a story of hope – and
we could all use a bit more of that in our lives.
Since I had had a previous miscarriage,
my doctor set up an ultrasound at 6 weeks.
Within minutes my heart sank as the technician asked if I was sure on
the date of my last period. From my
previous experience, I knew they tended to only ask that if they weren’t seeing
what they were supposed to. She informed
us that I was measuring at 5 weeks and they could detect no heartbeat. No heartbeat at 5 weeks is normal, but I just
knew this was headed down the same road as the one before it. This time I didn’t handle it as well.
To say I was devastated is putting
it mildly. I was sad, deeply and gut
wrenchingly sad. I didn’t
understand. I was trying to do that which
I felt God wanted me to do. I was trying
to expand my family and bring precious Spirits from the veiled world into this
one so they could gain their bodies and become more like God Himself.
When I get deeply sad and down, I
withdraw. I don’t answer phone calls and
I try to avoid others so as not to have to explain and share my sadness with
them. I’m not sure it’s the healthiest
of practices, but it’s how I cope. I
told only a few. This was not a
situation for the masses to know and weigh their opinion on. I was too fragile to be put before an
innocent misunderstanding panel.
In the weeks following the
ultrasound I got up and did the only thing I knew how to do, I went
running. It had saved me before, maybe
it would save me now. I remember that
day very clearly. I picked a treadmill
in a different row and at an end I don’t normally run on. I stepped heavily onto the machine and
plugged my earphones in and turned the channel to watch the latest recipe
creation of Rachel Ray. The belt of the
treadmill started to turn faster and faster and my legs churned to keep
up. My heart was SO heavy with sadness
and I just didn’t know what to do. I
prayed for understanding and guidance.
Surely there was a purpose.
Surely there was a reason.
*************************************************
I believe in Divine
revelation. I believe that God speaks to
man today. While I have never heard a
booming voice from the heavens or seen angels before me, I have felt and know
that I’ve been guided by an all loving and all knowing Heavenly Father. I have felt His calming influence in times of
uncertainty and have been able to step with confidence into a darkened path
because He has told me to do so. Of His
ability to guide I have no doubt, but up to this point, of His ability to heal I
was still uncertain.
I view mortality, the life we are
currently living, as a time of testing and proving. Objectively, I can view some of life’s
experiences as being simply brought on because we live in a mortal world, not
necessarily because God makes them or wants them all to happen. They are simply results of being mortal. Results of agency we all fought for before we
came.
Until that day on the treadmill, I
felt much of life’s sorrow was to be taken and born by us to teach us and mold
us. I still think that’s true. But what I experienced that day has me now
knowing that in an instant, God, through His Son Jesus Christ, can take that
sorrow and swallow it right up so that it is completely and utterly gone.
It came like a wave of water that
washed over me. It enveloped my heart
and literally washed away all of the sorrow while simultaneously whispering
words of direction, guidance, and future promises. It was so clear and so real, that I
immediately stopped running and I ripped the earphones from my ears as to not
have it’s power diminished by the trivialness of worldly things. From that moment on, I was healed. The deep abiding sadness was gone.
I still had 4 more weeks of weekly
ultrasounds, ones that did eventually produce a weak heartbeat, until the struggling
life within me finally gave way to the limitations of mortality. I knew it was God’s plan for that little one
to not progress quite yet. I knew their
mortal tabernacle was not ready.
I resigned. My “fight” with God was over. With new faith I forged ahead and prepared
myself for the Divinely appointed path.
I patiently waited and conceived again, in November, with a projected due
date of August 15th, 2013.
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